I should be happy

but I'm not...

A while ago, I was but then I felt something that ravished every damn drop of happiness that I feel. I don't know, I just felt... unimportant. I know that I SHOULD be happy because it's my birthday but, damn! I wish I could. It's like, it's not really my birthday. I felt that they just prepared foods just to say that I have a birthday celebration but deep inside, I know, they don't fucking care at all. They didn't even sing "Happy Birthday" for me. What the hell is that? That hurts you know. Feeling that way on my special day.

I felt that they are just pretending. Pretending that they feel for me, that they care, that they love me. How can they do that to me. I wouldn't feel this way if they didn't make me feel like it, right? They always do that, making me feel like bull when I'm supposed to feel important. Why? What did I do to make them that angry with me? Ganun ba ako kasamang anak? That no matter what I do, it's always not enough, always shit, always nothing.

Some people wished me a happy birthday at Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter and you know what? They felt more sincere to me than what I had in dinner just a while ago. It was a relief that RJ was there. I've never felt so thankful to her. I realized how good it is to have her even if sometimes she is a major pain in the ass. Hell! She is the only one who even cared to give me something for my birthday. An Apple. It made me smile :)

And now, I feel like a total idiot. For expecting. I feel like Myrtle. For assuming. Expecting that they will make me feel special and important and assuming that they really do care for me. Some times, I loathe myself for being a a total idiot. now, I'm certain that they really loathe me and I will never have that same affection they give to my siblings. I tried to go down stairs, you know, maybe I was wrong but now I know, I wasn't. they didn't even talk to me! Wow, now that's a news flash Misha. Happy Birthday!

Ra-ra-ra-a-a. Ruhma-ruhma-ma. Gaga-oh-la-la~

I just can't understand how low people this days are, especially those people who are so "religious". Lady Gaga is here to entertain people, to show them what she is made of by dancing and singing her songs, not to preach or influence people to be a Satanist or Illuminati or whatsoever that they are accusing her to be. She's working in the Show Business and her job is what she is gonna do on Monday and Tuesday. I don't think that she's doing anything wrong with that. People are just over-thinking, over-judging and oh-so-being-so-clean-with-their-shit by thinking about boycotting or banning her freaking concert.

Okay, I understand that some of her songs especially her "Alejandro" are offensive to Catholics because of it's meaning but hey, it is us who listened to it. Isn't that our responsibility. People keeps on listening about bullshits these days and they just can't help but hate on it or criticize it as if they did nothing wrong in their lives. And complaining with her freaking videos is just absurd. Just don't watch if you don't like the way she dresses up and the flow of the video. That's the way she expresses herself. She never did anything to pick on how you express yourself. So just cut the crap about pissing yourself about how she wears anything that she wants. What happened to freedom of expression?

I just hate CBCP. I hate how they complain, I hate how they put themselves in the middle of something they shouldn't be on, I hate how they make something big out of nothing, I hate how they bitch on somebody's business, I hate how they can't understand the separation of the church from the state. I wish China will declare that CBCP is their's. Just piss off you hypocrite people. I'm Catholic but I have a mind of my own and not because you said that something or someone is bad doesn't mean that I should too because I follow God, not you.

Rebonduleyrah

So something happened this day. My Mom offered to rebond my hair! And because of that, I wasn't able to go to Bea's House for the Movie Marathon. It was a staggering and boring 5 Hours composed of a sore bottom, a stingy scalp and a little bit of trauma to Hair Iron. But then again, the result was fulfilling.

Those are some products of my vanity. This kind of hair really gives me some confidence, you know. I'll look a lot nicer in photos are I can go out without even using then freaking comb which is always missing when I need it! I just wish that I got to go to Bea's but then again some things should be sacrificed :(

Back to ZERO

Okay, it's exactly 18 freaking days before my College days starts and I'm not really sure if I'm excited, scared or just anxious to get out of this "state" that I'm into. I think that Summer 2012 just swept by with me really not noticing it. I mean, come on! What did really happen inside this two months besides me facing my laptop and me sleeping, eating then sleeping again then eat again? It's like the whole process is a mind-boggling load of shit already. And I don't like it.

I don't think that I'm prepared for College. I'm afraid that people wouldn't like me. I'm afraid that when I do things that I usually do, they'll get offended or something. I'm not really the kind that has a finesse personality and decorum in everywhere that I go. Sometimes I think I'm a piece of crap mixed into the goldmine.

I had a lot of questions in my mind:

• What if I'm not suited for Medical Technology?
• What if it's just a bliss of a moment that I actually picked this course out?
• What if College fucks me up more than I expect it to?
• What if I become a whole new level of freak?
• What if I don't make friends?
• What if I'm not good enough?

Sometimes, I just envy my friends who can really maintain they're confidence and stand their grounds to public dispute. Because I have this very low level of fucking self-esteem. I thought I already overcome it when I was in High School but I guess, I didn't. Because now, I'm entering a really different world. New people, new place, new bitches, new douchebags and no one will be at my back but myself. It's not a freaking competition, it's a survival.

Anyways, what I'm just trying to say here is that, I'm armed for battle but I'm not ready. I feel like total crap right now. But really, I'm hoping that whatever it is that I had in PCS that made people comfortable around me, I hope I have it until now. I don't want to be awkward, I want to gain friends and seriously, I need to have that strong will and the inspiration or the drive to really really study and to love my arch enemy, Chemistry.