Back to ZERO

Okay, it's exactly 18 freaking days before my College days starts and I'm not really sure if I'm excited, scared or just anxious to get out of this "state" that I'm into. I think that Summer 2012 just swept by with me really not noticing it. I mean, come on! What did really happen inside this two months besides me facing my laptop and me sleeping, eating then sleeping again then eat again? It's like the whole process is a mind-boggling load of shit already. And I don't like it.

I don't think that I'm prepared for College. I'm afraid that people wouldn't like me. I'm afraid that when I do things that I usually do, they'll get offended or something. I'm not really the kind that has a finesse personality and decorum in everywhere that I go. Sometimes I think I'm a piece of crap mixed into the goldmine.

I had a lot of questions in my mind:

• What if I'm not suited for Medical Technology?
• What if it's just a bliss of a moment that I actually picked this course out?
• What if College fucks me up more than I expect it to?
• What if I become a whole new level of freak?
• What if I don't make friends?
• What if I'm not good enough?

Sometimes, I just envy my friends who can really maintain they're confidence and stand their grounds to public dispute. Because I have this very low level of fucking self-esteem. I thought I already overcome it when I was in High School but I guess, I didn't. Because now, I'm entering a really different world. New people, new place, new bitches, new douchebags and no one will be at my back but myself. It's not a freaking competition, it's a survival.

Anyways, what I'm just trying to say here is that, I'm armed for battle but I'm not ready. I feel like total crap right now. But really, I'm hoping that whatever it is that I had in PCS that made people comfortable around me, I hope I have it until now. I don't want to be awkward, I want to gain friends and seriously, I need to have that strong will and the inspiration or the drive to really really study and to love my arch enemy, Chemistry.